A thrilling new novel...

...a sensual space odyssey...

...with intrigue, action, and kinky alien sex.

And a barren planet, where spiders evolved from man?...

No - it's way more interesting than that...

What is Escape from Planet Spider?

(and why is everyone so wet for it?)

EPS is the first-ever, comical, choose-your-own-galactic-adventure, science fiction novel for adults, as far as we know. A homage to the 1980s choose-your-own-adventure books that you read to avoid doing a full book report. But we know you’re older now and only interested in reading sex and violence, and Max Quasar has plenty of both. Max Quasar: EPS will thrill, tantalize, and charm based on your own decisions and win a Peabody.

A lone space adventurer, Max Quasar, is marooned on a remote world with only his wits and a fusion-powered blaster. Navigate him through the perils of Planet Spider, a world where all humanoid men have been killed off by a heinous, and seductive, autocrat. A planet where survivors struggle to avoid the watchful eyes of MechDaddy, a deadly android with an unusual taste in clothing. A desolate celestial body with lots and lots of spiders.

Will Max Quasar woo the girl and defeat his enemies? Will he discover the secrets of Planet Spider? Will he get full-blown space AIDs?

That's up to you.

Coming soon in digital and print form.

"I laughed, I cried, I ejaculated onto several ornate rugs. Just a great read."

- Pope Francis

Meet the Cast of Characters

Explore Planet Spider

...by checking out the exclusive, full page artwork below

"Finally, an arrogant white man is the star. And a damn sexy one at that..."

- Rev. Al Sharpton

About the authors

Consito Ramirez:

Consito Ramirez is that immigrant Donald Trump warned you about (not the rapist, just the guy who’s here to steal jobs from native born, redneck science fiction writers and smuggle drugs). He originally got the idea for Max Quasar by watching Star Wars, Star Trek, Flash Gordon, Barbarella, Zardoz, 2001, and a ton of porn and deciding “I can do that.” When he’s not writing erotica in Starbucks, he’s busy sailing, horseback riding, and stealing other antiquated means of transportation from rich people.

The Story of an Unlikely Partnership:

Preston Ledwidge Masterson a graduate of the now defunct Devry University, got his start at his father's prestigious private equity firm. Shiftless, yet unfathomably rich, Preston devoted much of his free time to cavorting with women, pretending his Maserati was a spaceship, and waiting for his dog to find the exact right spot to poop.

Despite being functionally illiterate Preston became interested in writing science fiction due to his lifelong respect for L. Ron Hubbard's bank account balance. However his professional duties allowed little time to practice his craft.

Preston was on a trajectory for the stars until the Great Recession of 2008 left him penniless. Desperate and uncomfortably full from a dumpster lunch, Preston began telling his life story to Consito Ramirez as they waited at a bus stop. The two were soon at work penning Masterson's life story: Forrest Gump - a heartwarming tale that was half biography, half anti-government manifesto.

After discovering Forrest Gump was actually a thing written decades before, the book was revised. The main character's name was changed to Max Quasar, Vietnam was changed to Planet Spider, and the part about Forest becoming a shrimp boat captain was greatly expanded into an erotic tale with white nationalist undertones.

The buzz in the literary field is undeniable: Who is Max Quasar? Why do you keep asking me about Max Quasar? I don’t know anyone by that name. How did you get my number and please stop harassing me?

And with only minor details left, like ‘what should the plot be?’ the world will soon see the fruits of that unlikely partnership and finally have an answer to the question: Who is Max Quasar?

(You are. The answer is ‘you are Max Quasar’, because it's a choose your own adventure book.)

* * *

And now that you put up with all of that

Preorder the Book

and purchase the short story